Clinton Book Report!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:....... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:...... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton ... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:.....Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:....... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:....... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
-A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".
-A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says "An 8-iron, father. How about you? "The priest says "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray". The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down".
-Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did". The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know - five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five".
-A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked "Are you a good golfer? The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
-The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
-A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied "The holes are numbered".
-A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore" says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
-Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "Probably golfing with his mates".
-A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign? It says 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?" The man says "It's in my yard now so it's my ball". The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand". He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. The man asks "Why did you do that?" The golfer replies "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls".
-Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polo's and khakis and took some time out on the golf course. After several shots their caddy asked "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are" one cleric replied. "But how did you know?" "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language".
-One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here". Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter, Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron".
-A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting. Apologetically she says "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help!" One of the men immediately replies "Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead".
-Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready.
-Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course outside Washington, DC? Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer - Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he's supposed to be playing.
-During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver". The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says "Wrong end".
-What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball...
-When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake". Inspired by my story, the doctor said "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" "No" I replied "I'm just a shitty golfer".
-Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" "Feels great" he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken!"
- A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado. "What's wrong?" a woman asked. "I just lost a game to Houlihan" the pro said. "What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?" "He tricked me!" the pro said. "On the first tee he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said 'Just give me two gotchas'". "What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know" the pro said. "Houlihan said 'You'll see'. Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'" "I can guess what happened" the woman said. "Sure" the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely". "Understandable" the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?" The pro answered "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha'!"
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!